I Have Decided

Recently, God’s been doing some stuff in my heart. I’m hesitant to share it, frankly, because it’ll mean I’ll have to follow through. But then again, shouldn’t that be all the more reason to do so?

I’m going in circles. Let me start at the beginning. Ish.

Since I was at a summer camp when I was thirteen and rededicated my life to Christ–the first time I really understood what it means to be a Christian, with a capital C, which I will likely go into at another time–God has kept a special place in my heart for missions. I’m talking real-deal, get-the-word-out, telling-people-about-this-crazy-awesome-Jesus missions. Local but especially global, not because people here don’t need to hear it but because I’ve always wanted to travel, and because so many people worldwide don’t even have the opportunity to ask the questions about God that they may have, while here, well, most of us can, if we really want to.

Anyway, that’s kind of been at the back of my mind for years, on and off, but when I was at a retreat this January, God was just like, “Hey, Bre? This is what I want you to do. That’s right, I’m sending you.” And I knew, with an astonishing crystal clarity, that I would be a missionary.

And then I came home.

Fast forward to March, 2015: every year, in Pennsylvania, there is a gathering of hundreds of high schoolers from many different churches who want to make a difference. It’s called Vision Conference. Because, you see, God’s heart is for people. He created each of us, and loves me and you and everyone else each uniquely, intimately, and personally–whether they know him or not. But he really wants us to know him, too–because if we don’t follow him here on earth, we’ll never be with him again.

Pause: now, if you will, return with me to your high school days (Or, if you’re like me, don’t go anywhere).

You walk down the hall, and there he is. You’ve seen him around before. You’ve asked his name from your friends a grade above you, same grade as he is. You’ve figured out what sports he plays, what he’s involved in. You may even have stalked his Instagram. You’ve watched him interact with others–seen him smile, known his laugh. But you also know his hurts, his fears. You’ve seen him shy away from spiders and his eyes harden at the mention of divorce.

You feel as if you know him, even if you’ve barely scratched the surface. Perhaps you’ve even worked up the guts to say hello in the hallways.

But each time, he brushes you off. He doesn’t even know your name.

The romantics among you are probably sobbing. The rest of you are rolling your eyes. Bear with me.

Now imagine your best friend. The person who knows everything about you, and whose response in any given situation you could, smiling, predict. Imagine the way you know them–and them not recognizing your face. Not laughing at your jokes (though maybe they don’t do that anyway), not sympathizing with your woes, not remembering your name or any of the memories you share.

Parents: imagine your kids, your spouse–unresponsive to your words, your pleas, your calls.

Maybe for some of you, I’m hitting a little too close to home. Maybe some of you already know what this is like.

God may have created billions of human beings–but for each one, he feels deeply. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking God is an emotionless God. God quite literally invented emotion. And God is love. And you know what? Sometimes, love hurts.

But imagine the joy, when at last the prodigal son returns to his Father’s arms. The Bible says the angels rejoice at the repentance of even one–party time in heaven!

I want to be a part of that. I want to be a part of the kingdom come, and I want to kneel at my Father’s feet and hear him say: “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

At Vision Conference, God moved in me. And a shift took place, in my heart. I went from willing to go but planning to stay, to planning to go, but willing to stay.

I don’t know where. I don’t know how. But I know that my purpose in life is more than getting into a good school, getting a good job, marrying a good man, and retiring after a good many years.

Maybe for me, a good life will mean sacrificing all of those things.

I guess when you think about it, though, it’s not that great a sacrifice. Not when you think about what happened to Jesus. Not when you think about what we’re going to be remembering this Friday.

And the only reason we can celebrate Good Friday and Easter at all, is because our God is victorious. He is powerful, and he is just, and he is mighty, and he has conquered the grave, conquered sin, conquered death, conquered sorrow, conquered depression, conquered despair. He has conquered defeat.

And he is full of beautiful grace, and sweeps us up in it like a rushing torrent, a raging flood, and overpowering waterfall and yet a gentle rain–of grace.

None of this could happen on my own. It’s so easy for me to wander. To fall away. To get caught up in the things of this world, overtaken by stress and despair and envy and lust and pride. Oh, pride, my old enemy. But when I look at the cross–when I look at the cross, I see myself for what I am.

Someone who was worth nothing, who a Savior saw as everything.

That’s why I will go. Because the world has got to know.

In the meantime? In the meantime, well, God has put me here for a reason, too. He’s teaching me what it means to be a high schooler for Jesus. What does that look like? It’s a hard question to answer. Maybe because it’s just a little different for everyone. You tell me: what does it look like for you, to be pursuing Jesus from where you are? Tell me your story in the comments below.

Shine on!

–Bre

a

I have decided, to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back.

Advertisements

Published by

Breanna Joy

Once upon a time, in a far-away land, there was born one chill wintry day a lass who would come to be called Bre. She grew up whiling away the time upon myriad pursuits that would one day shift from pursuits to passions; creative, curious, and mischievous, she loved to read whatever she could manage to get her hands on (in particular novels, those of plot complex, world intriguing, and characters remarkable) — and read she did! She devoured words with so fierce a joy that she grew skillful in wielding such words as her own — story, journal, article, post and poem alike. For other arts, she also nurtured admiration. She loved in her heart the beauteous sound of music and the power it held over emotion and spirit. And she would work with her own hands to sketch and to paint and to correct and to create. One of her deepest passions was the stage, where she would take on a character as if an article of clothing, and live and breathe in another’s skin. In addition, the stories of times past and cultures distant enraptured her fascination, and she dreamed of one day venturing to explore these unknown lands. But these, these were nothing to the true heart of her soul. She found for herself a motley band of what can only be called friends–though some of whom were, truth be told, far more than that to her. They changed her being and resided in her heart. And so she lived, and loved, and dreamt. She dreamt of adventure and beauty and song and story and love and laughter. But far beyond anything else, did she strive with love toward her God. For this was her own great quest, or, if you will, her part in His own great story: to love those in the world, as He had loved her, when she had not loved Him–indeed, when she had turned from Him, hid from Him, rejected Him and ignored Him–He loved her enough to die for her. And so, because of this great love that now burned like a fire inside of her, a blazing beacon, she strove for a life lived in a beautiful harmony to Him who gave her a second chance. As she grew, she became confused, and doubting, and weak, and afraid, and unclean, and she would forget, and go to the world that was pressing at her to give in, in an attempt to satisfy her emptiness, though it would always leave her wanting. But always she would return, and be whole and filled again, made complete and beautiful in her soul. Storms would come and battles would rise; she would be tried and tested in many ways, and even so the story continues, but know ye this–He held her and led her all her days, and in the end, He would bring her to His own happily ever after.

4 thoughts on “I Have Decided”

  1. Bre, I am truly and utterly excited to see what God has in store for you! You are such a treasure and lovely woman of God and I am in awe of your heart and your passion. Remember, even though you already know: it is not out of dutiful love that we choose to serve Him the way we do, but it’s out of real love. I am so blessed to be in your life and I pray that you will continually grow and be inspired. Whether you end up in missions or not, you will and are making an impact on others through your Christian lifestyle. Sometime I’ll have to get my dad to tell you my great Aunt’s missions ‘God story’. I love you! Hope to see you soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lovely! I think it’s not just a plague of youth, but of adulthood, too–that sense that somehow the real living, the real doing, the real task is out ahead of us somewhere. Then we forget that we have work right here to do, right now. Your words remind me to keep belonging to the present, focusing on what my work is right now instead of what it might be in the future. You’re a blessing.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s